James on...New Years Resolutions

I hate to admit it but I am not a man that sees things through to the end. Just compare the dates between my posts if you don't believe me. I didn't even have enough "Stickwithitness" (A word worth noting if you've never heard it) to thank my one new follower after posting a blog about needing a follower. Thank you Victor. Sorry about the delay.

But this is a new year, right? I can turn it all around in 2010. This might be my year.

But probably not. I'm just being realistic. People can change and I'm a person. That doesn't make me feel any better about my chances. People can build space shuttles and go to the moon. That doesn't mean i can. But this is not going to be a bitter post of feeling sorry for myself. This is a new, exciting, and very realistic approach to the dreaded and often laughable NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION.

This is the time of year everyone wants to change one thing that they didn't like about how they lived last year. Some people will be spending less money on clothes or going to church more often or making a bigger impact in their community. Or at least they'll try. Or maybe they will just say they're going to try. Or maybe they'll fabricate a great story about how they did stick to their resolution and you just didn't notice because you're not a very good friend and that should be your resolution for next year.

However these people don't accomplish their resolution, it still comes back to the basic reason why New Year's Resolutions often fail. You probably did or did not do the thing you are out to change because doing it or not doing it was easier or it made you happy. We live in a time when satisfying our self even in the smallest way is hard to do. We work eighty percent of our lives away and spend the other twenty percent thinking of how we still don't have the things we think would make our lives better. That's why the habits we have get formed. Fifteen hundred calorie hamburgers made to order, a twenty pack of cold beer, and some guy at the bar that messed his life up worse that you ever will are the things that make the world go round. If you love something a new year is not going to change that. So what do you do? You change the way you make New Year's Resolutions. My Three Step Program will help you accomplish your goals and feel better about yourself.

Step One: Be Realistic

If you hate working out, don't make your resolution to "hit the gym" this year. The people with the sculpted and toned bodies in those magazines you read like working out. They may not love it but they also don't hit the ab machine once and walk around for three days hunched over like somebody punched them in the gut.

Since this is my blog and very few people will read this anyway, I will explain my standings with this Work Out More resolution. I love the way exercising makes me feel. That pumping burn you get with a good upper body workout makes me feel ten times better about myself the next day. My shoulders are sore. My arms are sore. My chest is sore. Still in all, I roll up in the convenience store bowed up like I'm about to knock the cashier out just cause I'm so tough lookin'. But like i already told you, i don't stick with anything. I payed out an 18 month contract because i just knew that if i was paying for a gym membership i would have to go because only an idiot throws money away on something they don't use. Me=idiot. One problem is none of my friends like working out and they few guys i know that are into it are in such good shape they make me feel bad when i have to keep taking weights off the bar before i go. On top of that i don't like people watching me work out. I look funny when i do it. It's the same reason it's hard to shit with someone watching. I have casually left the gym when a band of ripped up college kids get right next to me and grunting and rooting each other on. Sorry to carry on in the wrong direction, but like i stated earlier, this is my blog and i need as much material as I can muster.

But back on the subject, Know yourself. If you have been a certain way for the majority of your life, you will most probably be that way in 2010. Stick with something you picked up or started doing more or less often in the last few years. If you go out drinking every night, cut back a night or pick specific nights. If you wanna spend more time with your kids, set up something small you can do once a week or once a month and see what grows from that. If you could just quit this or fix that you wouldn't feel guilty enough to make a resolution about it, you would've just done it.

Step Two: Improve Your Odds

If a boxer fights one fight and losses and retires, he is a loser. He could have pushed the champ to the final round, but all that people are going to see is the failure. Why not improve your odds but making a shit load of resolutions? Are you overweight? Why not list the whole gauntlet of things that could solve that? Work out more, eat less, eat healthier, no fast food, no high fructose corn syrup, less drinking, and stay away from sweets. Are you broke? Spend less on this or that and work more and invest your money and on and on and on. Throw so much shit out there you have to hit on something. People won't be able to keep up with it all and you just play up the one you feel you actually accomplished. You'll see this at work because list is the grand finale of this post.

Step Three: Apply Loopholes and Stipulations to Your Resolution

Life isn't fair and people are not always upfront and honest. You can't do anything without fine print being squeezed in there somewhere. Just listen to the tail end of any commercial for a car lot. It should be like "Hey, I'm giving you what I make in a year for a product that won't last long enough for me to pay it off before it gives me trouble." Why isn't that a good enough deal without sneaking in the part that you need so much down and approved credit and you have to finance it for twenty eight years to get the monthly rate the commercial said. Why didn't the commercial say "Come try to buy a car and we will tell you how much to pay each month"? Because loopholes and stipulations make the world go round.

Now apply these to your resolutions. Example: Say you used to go to Bar A every weekend because your buddies were there. Now all of your buddies have switched to Bar B for one reason or the other. Henceforth, you prefer to go to Bar B also. Instead of saying "My New Year's Resolution is to not go to bars as much as i did last year," change it to "I will not go to Bar A as much as I did last year." You have a winner now, because this something you already have on track and if the mood strikes you, you can still go to Bar A as long as you go less than you did last year.

If you've read this various what-not i want to thank you for sitting through it. Now it's time for ..........

James' s New Year's Resolutions (Hold All Applause)

1. I will eat less than someone that gains more weight than i do over the course of the next year. (Unless that person is pregnant or has a thyroid problem)

2. I will be a better husband and father this year. (Unless my wife and son see through my plan to accomplish this by just dropping comments like "I sure have been an excellent husband and father today haven't I?")

3. I will be a role model to someone who would otherwise not have a role model if they are willing to seek me out for this service and aren't annoying or unsavory in some other way. If no one seeks me out, I accomplish this resolution just by having the offer out there.

4. I will either smoke or use nicotine patches and gum this year.

5. If I go to a fast food restaurant, I will ask the person making my food to slow down so I can give up fast food and still enjoy MacDonalds.

6. I will tell my friends that if they get a gym membership, I will get one too if they like it. I probably won't do it, but if they go once to try it out, then they will have worked out more than they did last year and if they took my resolution advice then they can check one off the list.

7. I will celebrate the success of others, especially if there is alcohol related to this celebration. If I happen to not care for the person celebrating their success, I will be a good sport and still celebrate, only somewhere away from them.

8. If this blog makes any money, I will donate it to a cause.

9. If someone begins a statement with "You know what we should do?" I will be nice and not say "I don't think WE should do anything. If I felt like doing something I would be doing that instead of what I'm doing right now." This is how some people open up conversations about ideas and they aren't really expecting us to do anything at this moment but listen to their idea. If it gets out of hand I'll walk off though.

10. (Drum Roll....) I will write more this year than I ever have before! (Because I don't want to be the only douche bag out there that lived up to all of his resolutions.)